I have been through the darkest time of my life

Change hurts

“We find it’s hard to change, but that’s because we start from a root idea that is false. We look for stability, thinking that it will give us safety and happiness, when life is actually unstable and ever changing. We try to control the uncontrollable, we want to set the brakes against dizzying change, we try to construct parapets that will protect us from what cannot be controlled, and along the way we pay a high price: we waste our energy and we feel insecure and weak. That’s why, until we accept that the only reliable thing, the only thing we can build healthy life on, is change, we won’t be able to feel strong and safe.”

The quote above is cited from a book called ‘Kintsugi: The Japanese Art of Embracing the Imperfect and loving your flaws’ by Tomas Navarro. I will never read that kind of self-help book, especially with such a title. I only read that quote, thanks to a random picture (of the book translated into Vietnamese) I saw somewhere on the Internet.

That only quote explains why I’m feeling that bad every day. I’m facing a very big change in my life, quitting France to come back to Vietnam, and don’t know what I’m gonna do, what job I’m gonna take. I’m too afraid of insecurity, of losing everything I have built. How’s funny that I’m now afraid that I cannot survive in my own country =)). Especially when people keep telling me: to be able to live in Vietnam, you need to be this, be that…

I suffer every day and I know that. Anxiety is beating me down.

I seriously don’t know what to do, except accept that I’m embracing my suffering. Do you believe that people can still suffer even though nothing that seems terrible is happening to them? Looking on the bright side, I earned enough money to live well while figuring out what I want to do next, I can get support from my family, boyfriend and even close friends if I want. But this is also controversial, people tend to hide their weaknesses in front of others, any other, it’s actually natural as human beings. And me, I always hope to be independent.

“We have a natural tendency to want to run away from suffering. But without any suffering, we can’t fully develop as human beings. Suffering is very important. We have to learn to recognize and even embrace suffering, as our awareness of it helps us grow.

We have to be able to smile to our suffering, with peace, just as we smile to the mud because we know that’s only when we had mud (and know how to make good use of the mud) that we can grow lotus flowers.”

– Thich Nhat Hanh –

I get angry easily with others, without any reason and I hate myself for that. I’m stuck in this infinite circle: get angry -> feel guilty about getting angry -> try to push people away and hold everything inside -> suffer more.

I have lost all of my interests

Living is hard and I wish somebody shows me a reason why life is beautiful and worth living. What I see is always struggling, always thinking, always having many choices and decisions to be made. But once all those things stop, it means that life ends.

Losing all of my interests is the worst thing I’ve ever experienced.

• I don’t feel fully happy, the maximum level of happiness I can feel is only 50%.
• Somedays, I spend half of the day in bed until I feel better, get some food and start to do something.
• I’m a travel lover and I don’t travel even when I have all the freedom in the world to do that.
• I don’t read books, I just read a few pages of different books and leave them there.
• I gradually write less. I finally sit down and write this article after letting a thousand of thoughts run around my head for so many days.

• It has been 1 month and a half since I promise myself to draw a watercolor card for my best friend and I still don’t touch the brush and the color palette.
• Nature is my life. And now I feel nearly indifferent seeing beautiful flowers blooming and fresh green leaves in springtime. A sunny day barely cheers me up.
• I have a list of places to visit and a list of coffee shops to go to and chill. But I don’t feel that joyful when I visit those places.

The only thing I still enjoy is watching kdrama (in fact, I watched Alchemy of Souls and it’s pretty good ahaha, I recommend!).

I admire my parents

Like any child, I had some time of conflicts with my parents. But right now, I admire them so much. When they were the same age as me now, I’m pretty sure that they didn’t get as much money, they couldn’t get any support from my grandparents. But they have overcome it all, raised me well (LOL I’m not a brilliant person but I know at least I’m still a good one, I don’t commit any crime and I treat people well) and love me even though they are not perfect parents. They overcame it all and keep living looking and moving forward.

I admire them because their daughter cannot be as strong. She is nearly 30 and she already wants to give everything up. I never think that I will not have children, but I’m never ready to make it happen. I don’t know how I can take care of a kid while I’m struggling day by day like this.

There’s still some light in this darkness.

Well, there is actually a fun story. I have just landed my freelance career and have a chance to work with this client. She is a journalist – Ted talk speaker – book author – and professor at Science Po (an elite institution). A chance that is hard to be true! It’s like I’m given a private and free lesson about journalism, I discover fascinating insights. Maybe that’s one in a million of examples why there’s always something to look for in life and its unexpected aspect is actually not that awful.